


bored

by things-we-used-tc-share (Heavydirtys0ul)



Series: the billie eilish tapes [13]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: M/M, Remus is barley mentioned, and break ups, tw for emotionally unavailable Logan, yeah it's a vent fic and what about it :/
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-19
Updated: 2020-04-19
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:42:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 892
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23732533
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Heavydirtys0ul/pseuds/things-we-used-tc-share
Summary: Roman has to make a choice for himself, no matter how hard it is to let go.
Relationships: Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders/Logic | Logan Sanders
Series: the billie eilish tapes [13]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1281875
Comments: 2
Kudos: 13





	bored

Roman’s lungs feel like they’re closing up as he leans against the nearest available surface (a wooden fence, with a rough texture). He takes a deep breath and closes his eyes, feeling the way the oxygen burns. His eyebrows knit together in discomfort; teeth gritted as he registers that he is in fact having a panic attack. Of course, even when his hurricane of a boyfriend isn’t there, he’s still panicking over him. He runs a hand through the mass of red hair that is sticking to his forehead and tries to sit up straighter, leaning against the wooden fence with his back instead.

The rain drizzles, in a way that is not aesthetic or fun, it just clings to the fibres of Roman’s sweater and slowly but surely soaks him. It’s fitting in a way, that his discomfort should come in the murkiest and most miserable of weather patterns. His heart aches. It’s such a dull feeling that he can’t find it in him to truly express his anguish. He misses someone who in reality walked out of his life the day they met; Logan had always been a distant person. It’s not entirely his fault, but it’s also not Roman’s job to fix that.

And every time Logan could not deal with his own emotions, every slammed front door and spilled cup of coffee, had slowly been dragging Roman further and further away from him. Logan is many things, stubborn, pedantic, and always right. If nothing else, through the heartbreak of scrabbling for threads that weren’t there, Roman is so very bored of being treated like he has no mind. He isn’t stupid, and he doesn’t like being treated as such, something that Logan just has to do. He has to be the smartest person in the room when it comes to every topic and Roman is…done.

Relationships should not be a fighting match or a competition. Relationships should be hugs and kisses and reading books together under the sunlight, and if nothing else, at the bare minimum, he should feel _loved_.

He straightens up and breathes in again, regulating his breathing with a count of seconds. He’d left Logan, and for once it was himself walking out of the door for some air. Despite everything, despite how Logan had treated him he still felt heartbroken as though some half of him had hoped that things could change, that things could be fixed. But there is no helping anyone who doesn’t want to be helped, and Roman refuses to go down on this ship.

He breathes again, tilting his freckled face to the sky and accepting the drizzling rainwater with a deep breath in. “Okay,” he says to himself “It’s okay,”

\--

It takes approximately two weeks for him to fully move out of Logan’s and into his brother’s flat. His brother who is nothing short of a headache, but in a way that Roman had been used to his whole life. He can handle his brother’s antics with a shake of his head and a wry smile, but he cannot handle the manipulation that Logan can bring. He doesn’t do it on purpose and Roman knows, deep down, that this man has so much prospect for change if he truly opened his mind to understanding that he doesn’t always have to be right.

That is not happening anytime soon, and he’s not about to make habits out of waiting for other people to sort out their own lives at the expense of his own mental health. He needs boundaries and space and time to feel more like himself again.

Remus, his twin brother, helps him move his things, which is a recipe for disaster, so he only hands the more reckless half of their duo items that he doesn’t mind being broken.

He flops down on his new bed after all the moving is finished, takes a deep breath and then bursts into tears. He doesn’t call for help, he doesn’t ask anyone to comfort him, he just cries and cries and cries until it feels like there is nothing in him to cry any longer. His shoulders shake and his muscles feel numb from the lack of oxygen as hot tears run along his reddened cheeks. Roman hiccups a little, and it’s a strangled noise that sounds so funny that he smiles. He misses Logan, but he feels like he’s been missing him since they even got together, always holding onto hope he will change and that change just never comes at all. Such a common story.

But it’s okay, it’s hard and it’s painful and he doesn’t think he will ever stop loving or missing Logan, but now he has a chance to be cared for by more than just someone else, himself too. He gets to choose what he does with his life and what, and there’s no-one to pick fights on the matter, he gets to set the pace of his day, and manage his own budgets and do all the things he both wanted to do and detested the idea of doing. Roman wipes his eyes and nods, tomorrow’s a new day and after that so many more new days to come. For now, he’ll cry and mourn the relationship he had so desperately wanted to work, and then he’ll pick himself up again.


End file.
